Laughter Doeth Good like Medicine

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They walk among us and are known as your fellow man.....
Headline:
County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.
Did we elect these people??

Headline:
Volunteers search for old Civil War planes.
Civil War planes?
Let me know how that works out.

Headlines:
Amy Vehicle disappears. An Australian Amy Vehicle worth $74,000. has gone missing after being painted with camouflage
I'm saying GREAT paint job.

Headline:
Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.
'We had no idea anyone was buried there.'
Headline
Ten Commandments Supreme Court say some OK, some not
I didn't know we could choose.
Headline:
Utah Poison Control reminds everyone not to take poison.

This one says it all.


Headlines
Federal Agents raid gunshop: Find Weapons

What are the odds of that?

Headlines
Statistics show Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25.
I would have guessed 20.

Headlines:
One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.
OK, that's just mean.

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[Roger & Pamela]

Just outstanding "deep thought" stuff Dean & Gladys!

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THE SHOEBOX.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.



For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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SONGS FOR SPEEDERS
Here are some hymns you should sing
if you must speed on the highway.

at 45 mph...
"God Will Take Care Of Me"
at 55 mph...
"Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph...
"Nearer My God To Thee"
at 75 mph...
"Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph...
"This World Is Not My Home"
at 95 mph...
"Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph...
"Precious Memories"

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Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentions but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a class mate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash
after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She
spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

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OBITUARIES:
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half
baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50
for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else that may be having a crumbly day and kneads a lift.

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THE DROUGHT AND A COMMITTEE
By Rev. Dean Beaty 10/6/08

Here in the sunny south we are truly in a drought.
There are many places where the wells have all run out.
But do not be discouraged the church will do its part.
The leaders of the churches are very, very smart.

So forming a committee they came up with a plan.
“Each denomination must do what e’er they can.”
They met for many days. What to do, they had no inkling.
The Baptist spoke up first, “We will switch to sprinkling.”

Not to be out done so others would not gripe.
The Methodist chimed in, “We’ll switch to a wet-wipe.”
The Presbyterians had a plan. It was real high tech.
“If they come around, we’ll give them a rain check.”

Catholics from Notre Dame called their alma mater.
The scientist took charge to change their wine to water.
The moral of this story for those of you who care.
When a committee lets you down. Call on God in prayer.

The church solutions were supplied by Rev. Ivan Moore

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Subject: Fwd:Senior thoughts
A Little Brevity

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------



Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.

I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------



One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.



---------------------------- -----

Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

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LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

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SERENITY

>> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow
and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

>> Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

> > The nice thing about being senile is, you can hide your own Easter eggs.

> > I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But at least, I still have my driver's license.

> > I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over
.
> > My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

> > THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10others
Oh, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!

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Worry
A husband and wife who had been married ten years were in bed asleep when the wife heard a noise downstairs. She woke her husband to say “I heard a burglar downstairs.” This had happened
many nights since they had been married. He grudgingly got up and walked down the stairs to his surprised this time their was a burglar.
To the burglar’s surprise the husband said, “My wife has been waiting for you ten years, come up so I can introduce you.”

Two men were discussing religion when the older man said I bet you a hundred dollars you can’t recite the Lord’s Prayer. The younger man replied, “I’ll take you up on it.” “Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
“I can’t believe it” replied the older man opening his billfold, “I never would have guessed you knew it.”

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What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?


















For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment!
The Peacemaker

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ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da sweet shop.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English..

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION




Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The Peacemaker